Like a Virgin...a Property Virgin
- Themi Alexandra
- Jul 29, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 7, 2021
I’m a hoarder. Let me rephrase and wipe away any visions of cramped spaces and overflowing boxes. When it comes to saving money I am of the hoarder mentality. All those years saving for the proverbial rainy day that never came paid off recently.
I purchased my first home this year. Technically it’s a condo, but it will be my home, so roll with me here as I ask you to be semantically fluid.
To Buy Or Not To Buy...
I was content to continue renting and pay the premium for the flexibility and convenience it affords. Clogged sink, busted AC, closet door off track again…the fix a phone call away. I never wanted the responsibility of repairs let alone the cost. I wanted my extra income going towards my next trip and not a new water heater.
Yet as I hit my late 30s the pressure to buy increased. The next question after “Which neighborhood do you live in?” was usually “Do you own?” Each time I said no, I knew it went against societal expectations of someone my age. But I’ve always been a late bloomer. I come to things on my own timeline when I am ready.
The freedom of renting afforded me the ease to pack up all my belongings in 2018 and travel the world for a year (see Travel section). When I returned from Remote Year (RY) in March 2019 I moved in with my parents. I anticipated a few months until I found my next place.
Life had other plans for me and my living situation. My dad had a massive heart attack a few months after my return. Then a few months after my dad, my mom had a major health event requiring open heart surgery. Just as my mom was set to begin cardiac rehab in 2020 and I was thinking about moving out, COVID happened.
So here I am: 2 and a half years later, 40 years old, still living with my parents. I truly believe this is where I was meant to be. I wouldn’t have survived lockdown without them. I wouldn’t be in this financial position without them and their generosity of rent free living.
Like many areas of life, my perspective on buying shifted with the pandemic. As COVID continued into the fall of 2020 I started thinking about my own place. I dipped my toe in the water by looking at a few new rental properties and I was hit with sticker shock. Prices had risen significantly from pre-RY days. It made me think twice about renting. Like how can I give away this much money every month and not get something in return?
To buy...
If I wanted to pay less I needed to consider buying. I was in the right place at the right time: sitting on savings amid historically low interest rates. So I started the mortgage pre-approval process to get an idea of what I could afford.
It wasn’t until I considered submitting my first offer that I learned a valuable lesson. There is a big difference between the purchase price and your monthly mortgage payment. When I looked more closely at the numbers that comprise the monthly mortgage payment for condos in Chicago, I significantly decreased my price range.
It became less about the price tag and more about the monthly expense for one very important reason: I didn’t want to be house poor. So I set my limit. The number not to exceed when you account for the combined total of the mortgage payment (principal and interest on your loan, property taxes, and condo insurance) and the monthly assessment. I kept it conservative given my spending/saving habits and the uncertain state of the world and the job market.
Are you the one?
I went into the next round of showings with fiscal confidence. I could comfortably afford what I was seeing, but nothing was grabbing me. As weeks turned into months I started to worry that I was a commitment phobe! My inner monologue was off the charts with “Is this why I’m single…because I’m too picky and can’t commit?” kind of talk.
I saw plenty of nice enough places but none that felt like my place. I was waiting for that feeling. The one I had gotten with each apartment I’ve called home. The gut feeling upon entry that you’ve found “it.” As my realtor would drop me off each weekend I would remind myself when you find it you’ll know. Shout out to my friend and fellow Blue Demon, Danny Lewis (@dlew32), for his patience and expertise.
The feeling came eventually. It was the first showing that particular Saturday and I knew in seconds. I scheduled another showing the next evening to see it in a different light (literally) and vet my potential purchase with my parents. By Monday morning my offer had been accepted. Turns out I’m not a commitment phobe. Turns out I wasn’t being picky, but particular. Turns out I found exactly what I wanted by being patient.
Buying Solo
Turns out there were several relationship parallels in the home buying process. Initially it kicked up bittersweet insecurities about being single. Like here I am doing something by myself again. Make no mistake, I relish my independence. I delight in a trip, concert, or movie by myself. Yet I assumed by the time I bought a place I would be married or with a partner and we would do it together. If I’m being honest, it took me a beat to get over this expectation. In the beginning there was a tinge of sadness experiencing this major live event on my own.
That sadness eventually morphed into excitement. I needed time to shift expectations and get aligned with reality. The reality is I was doing this alone. Once I could see my experience for what it was, I saw how much there was to celebrate. I was doing this alone! I could afford this milestone without a partner. I made it happen. There’s a lot of “I”’s here and it might read selfish, but it’s about independence.
Independent excitement that transformed into empowerment. It is empowering AF to buy solo. The power went beyond my purchase ability and seeped into every decision after. I make every single decision without a single concession. This place and everything about it is going to be all me.
Taboo Taboo
The search was over. The purchase phase was next, which was even more daunting than the first. I did it by myself, a process filled with men and mansplaining, and I’m damn proud of it.
You don't know what you don’t know. In the case of home buying and securing a mortgage there was a lot I didn’t know in spite of my research. It’s a good thing I’m not bashful about asking questions because I asked a lot. As a woman it was hard not to have the body shop analogy - that male experts were trying to fleece me as a single woman and admitted novice - in the back of my mind the entire time. Thankfully my years of being my best advocate at work came in handy to alleviate that feeling.
I hit a roadblock in the approval process verifying some savings bonds. The brokerage firm would not accept the documentation from my bank. The bank was a dead end with two failed attempts to remedy. So I called the firm to discuss alternatives. When they offered none I brought one to the table thinking the worst they can say is no. They said yes.
It wasn’t a victory because I was right. It was a victory because I got what I needed: a solution and approval. This was a major exercise in using my voice and a major reminder that experts don’t always have all the answers. The only way you will learn about money is by asking questions. So why don’t we talk about it more? Let’s start now.
Mind Over Money
No one is more surprised than this hoarder that spending would lead to my latest cycle of growth. You hear people say you have to spend money to make money when you’re looking for a job or starting a business. In my case I had to spend money to make gains. Big personal gains. More on that in my next post, In My Blood.
Before I regale you with growth and gains I need to level set about where I started. I was dreading the purchase process knowing how hard it is for me to part with money. I braced myself for a brutal mix of buyer’s remorse, anxiety, and depression after the deed was done. It’s not dramatic but factually accurate if you know me and my long tortured history with spending. Even if I want something I will deliberate the purchase for months if not years.
“What’s wrong with being confident?”
Given this pattern of behavior my condo was one of my speedier spends: three months from search to offer. Like waiting to be found during a game of hide and seek, I anxiously awaited for the buyer’s remorse to come around the corner.
It never came. Something else found me instead, confidence. Seemingly overnight I went from an anxious overthinker to an assertive woman of action. I found a freedom I didn’t know existed in spending. I opened the door to a whole new world by letting go of the security saving gave me. This new world is one where I go after what I want without hesitation. And let me tell you, it’s liberating!
And it’s spilled beyond my financial world into all areas of my life and I like it! My world is expanding and I am growing alongside it. Life gives you lessons when you are ready to receive them. I wasn’t ready to buy in my 30s. My time is now. For if this experience taught me anything it’s that the only timeline that matters is the one that works for you.
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