My last post was about the journey of acceptance: accepting my disability, my age, my singleness, and my life as it is. This post just like the last, Uncharted, was inspired by a live guided meditation.
Recently I meditated with the celestial Sarah Blondin on accessing your deepest self or seeing your life from the seat of your soul. The session knocked so many thoughts loose that now I sit and turn them over in the hands of my mind. She spoke a lot on choosing love and how we are constantly adjusting the scales between fear and love.
That visual turned on a light of recognition. I share my name, Ethemia, with the goddess of good counsel, immortalized as the blindfolded woman holding the scales of justice. In that moment sitting cross legged with my own eyes closed under the weight of thought I realized I have been holding my own scales. Instead of support and opposition, I have been holding fear and love in balance my entire life.
Spoiler alert: for as long as I can remember I have been tipping the scales in favor of fear. As I mentioned in Uncharted being alone has been my default. A setting set by fear. Simply put by Mark Groves, the fear of love is the fear of rejection. I was rejecting myself before I gave anyone else a chance. And I was rejecting myself because I couldn’t love my whole self.
For the first time in my life I feel like love is taking the balance back. I am consciously choosing love and loving more of myself every day. This did not happen all of a sudden. It’s not like walking into a dark room and finding the light switch. This shift has been years in the making.
My mind traveled back in time during the meditation to October 2017, Hawaii. I had been on solo trips before but this one was different. I was taking myself to a place synonymous with couples. I joked at the time that it was my personal honeymoon. All jokes aside, I didn’t want to wait on a partner to experience the Aloha State. So the decision to go was an achievement in itself.
As the sand crept between my toes for the first time on Waikiki beach I had the feeling I had arrived. Destination: paradise, party of one. I leaned back on my elbows, set my eyes on the horizon and relished in the feeling of being right where I belonged. My reverie was interrupted by a man questioning, “Monica is that you?” as he looked down the bridge of his sunglasses at me.
After we established what we both already knew, he asked what I was doing in Hawaii. I replied I was on vacation. He looked at my lone towel and asked “By yourself?” I confirmed and he told me I was crazy. One man’s judgement served as one women’s affirmation that the right choice had been made. He then mentioned some bar he’d be at later, clueless to the fact that he had written himself off mere seconds ago. He’s crazy if he thought I would meet him anywhere.
After a few days in Honolulu I made my way to Kauai. If Oahu is paradise, then Kauai is heaven on earth. Belinda Carlisle tells no lies, they made heaven a place on earth, and it’s called Kauai. I came to this conclusion in the driver’s seat of my rental car heading out from the airport towards Poipu. This particular stretch of interstate felt like a sorta fairytale. I was in awe of the most magnificent trees cradling the road and the most ambrosial bouquet wafting in through the open windows.
It wasn’t until I came home that I discovered said road is legendary. The tree tunnel is a canopy of eucalyptus trees that line each side of Route 520 for more than a mile enveloping those who travel it in shade and scent while serving as a stunning gateway to the South Shore.
The radio gods gifted me with Bob Marley and the Wailers “Could You Be Loved” as I cruised the tree tunnel. With my hand out the window, and my car karaoke moment on 10, I said out loud, “I’m living my own rom com” as I threw my head back in jubilation. Except they don’t make rom coms about happy single women. As if the idea of being single and content is absurd. If you ask me it’s absurd that we still peddle the idea that being complete comes from another person. But that’s another post entirely.
Another day, another stretch of road and some more divine radio intervention. I was taking Route 56 north til the road stops. And stop it does, at the start of the Nā Pali coast, which is inaccessible by car and perimeter to the 23,000 acre Nā Pali Kona Forest Preserve.
The drive up Route 56 is dangerous because the scenery is constantly pulling the eye from the road. The signs should read “Caution! Dangerous Beauty Ahead.” It’s one Mother Nature love note after another. One more blinding in its beauty than the next. I’ve been to the idylls that are the Greek Islands, but there’s something special about Kauai. The drive had me musing on the word paradise.
I found a state of supreme happiness driving along Route 56 and discovered the kind of natural wonder that left me so tongue tied I can see why it took Chris Martin three tries to even say the word, “para, para, paradise!” The wind in my hair, pedal under my foot, a feast before my eyes, and nowhere to be but in the moment. One of those rare times when mind, body, and heart are aligned.
In this moment of congruence, the radio gods gave me “I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me).” Growing up this duet by Aretha Franklin and George Michael was a classic in my house. The song is vivacious enough but it was downright effervescent spilling through the speakers that day.
It’s a song about keeping the faith. The convictional title says it all, “I Knew You Were Waiting...” As I listened to it for the 100th time the words hit me like I was hearing them for the first. The person I had lost faith in was me. I’d had it wrong the whole time. I wasn’t waiting for some man. I was waiting for me! The sonic revelation brought tears to my eyes.
Years later as I sat cross legged traveling through my mind, the meditation helped me reframe that moment. Sarah sees every experience as a holy guest. I now see Hawaii as a holy guest. You can call me crazy (it wouldn’t be the first time) but I communed with the radio gods and I believe that deciding to take that personal honeymoon is what tuned me in to their frequency. Hawaii is where my journey of acceptance began.
My long experience of being single is a holy guest too. Not long after Hawaii I embarked on Remote Year which took me to a different international city each month. I decided to shift the focus from what I didn't have (a spouse, a family) to what I did which was the autonomy to pack up and travel the world for a year. It was a celebration of my independence and the experience of my life thus far (see All That You Can’t Leave Behind).
Yet the real journey to the center of myself began when I returned from RY. Events kept me close to home between my parents health issues and the arrival of pandemic life. The only roads open to me were those that led inside.
I credit Mark Groves’ Create Lasting Change course for being the catalyst to my interior road trip. The course left me with lasting habits that have become bedrocks of my self care routine from meditation, to yoga, to making cleaner food choices. More than anything it showed me the power of choice. I am given a multitude of choices daily that impact the way I think and feel. The choice is mine every time.
I choose love. It’s been years in the making, but the scales of fear and love have found a balance. It’s not that fear is gone but the weight has shifted. The fear of rejection has lessened because I have already chosen myself. I am not looking for someone to choose me, but to compliment me.
It is with this perspective that I have started dating again. This is the first time I am dating for myself and not male approval. I am only a couple months in but already it feels different. I feel free: free from expectation, free from fear and truly open to what’s out there.
Another first is the confidence that comes from knowing the choice is mine. There is a seismic shift in power when you are not waiting to be chosen, but waiting to find a true match.
I took my power back. In doing so I changed the dating game. It feels different because it is different. I got back my faith back. I lost it for a long time. I couldn’t believe that the unseen reality of partnership was within my reach.
It’s like Jen Sincero says in You Are a Badass at Making Money, “Faith is the rocket that you ride into uncharted territory to get to your wildest dreams.” Time will tell what comes of this but I have never felt better about where I am and what could be.
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